Parenting Duties And The Inward Journey

I want to talk a little bit about the inward journey as it relates to parenting. As a parent, I don’t think there’s any other journey that has caused me to have to turn inward than parenting. Parenting meant that I was influencing the lives of my children, who came in with not much information, who relied on me to love them, to support them and to encourage them, so that life could be good for them, whatever that looked like. I knew that was important for me. The inward journey that I had been practicing became ever more important because I had to begin to become aware of and make sure I was understanding why I was doing what I was doing, what it was that I was doing and why, so that when I connected with them, I didn’t place upon them a responsibility that was not theirs. I had to take ownership of my own journey as their mother and all that that entailed so that I did not pass that on to them.

What I mean by that is, children, as they grow, especially when they move into their teen years, especially within the US, there’s that time that call that they want to spread their wings and they want to assert themselves. They not only have to spread them, they have to grow them. They’re growing these wings that they’re going to use that when it’s time for them to fly out, they’re strong. Oftentimes that means they make decisions that often I don’t think are in their best interest because they go against something that we have taught them that was not what we want. I have to back it up and observe, and let them own the consequences of their choices. I have to make sure that I’ve given them enough information so that when they make the choices, they are aware of the consequences on all ends, the things that can go yes to the things that I can go no. 

I had to turn inward to become aware, to make sure when they chose activities that were the ones that when I found out about them were painful, not only for me but for them, that I had to make sure that I was aware of what was happening for me emotionally and what my thought process were, so that I could be present as I listened to them, assisting them in processing what’s going on for them. Then taking ownership of what they’ve done and me taking ownership of what role I might have played in it, if any. The turning inward created space within me. When I told them know, I knew why I told them no. They had a lot of opportunity to do things. The biggest part for me as their mom was to help them to learn to trust their own innate sense of things.

A Neighborhood Boy

We had a scenario one time where a neighborhood boy was being abused. The kids were distraught because he was being hurt. When we called the childhood services, we found out from one of the neighborhood kids that a man who was the dad was looking around the neighborhood for the kids to squeal on him. My first thought was, “You come after my children and you’re a dead man.“ I was going to go out there and I was going to say, “Bring it on because I’m ready.” There’s a part of me going, “What are you doing, Rebecca?”

I remember looking at my children’s faces. This is all in a split–second type of thing these responses going on for me when I received that information from this little boy. My sons were looking at me with terror in their eyes. I paused and I looked at them. I pulled them over and I said, “You are okay. Remember we have talked to trust that inside, that if something doesn’t feel right, you move and you move quickly.” “Yes, mom.” “You know the houses in our neighborhood that you run to. You say, “I need help,” and you go in. You will know.” As soon as we talked, they quiet it down. I said, “You go out and you play.”

There was a sense that they felt empowered in that moment, that even in the midst of something big and scary, they had a sense within them that if it didn’t feel good, I don’t care who it was, you move and you move away from them quickly. You go to the neighbor’s house. We talked about that. It created for them a level of security. That situation never came to pass. That family moved out that weekend and never came back, which was sad. I don’t know whatever happened to the little boy, but the boys learned and we learned how to trust their inner gut, their inner intuition, that inner voice. As they grew older, as a parent, I had to let go of what I thought was right for them and had to turn that over to them. It was a gradual movement. I didn’t flat out at the age of nine say, “Here you go. It’s all up to you,” But I had to create it so by the age of eighteen I could say, “This is yours and you got this,” but we had to start small. They wanted to do something. 

If there were situations that they wanted to do that intuitively was a no, I honored that. There was a mother down the street that had expressed fear about it and I was caught into that idea. I looked and I said, “Tell me more.“ I’d have them talk to me about it, “What do you think?” They’re like, “Mom.” I’m like, “What do you think?” We would move through it. As I listen to them, I knew that they knew. I said, “I want you to trust your gut. When you trust your gut, what is it telling you?” “That this is okay,” and then they went on. It was interesting because every time we did that, everything was fine. As they grew older, as a mom, it was so easy to want to fix it all for them, to make it better for them. I realized that that’s not my role. My role was to teach them how to comfort themselves. I’m not going to walk with them their life. I don’t walk with them at all. When we’re in our family, in our kitchen or whatever, I do. They’re using their own legs. They’re using their own consciousness to do whatever that I’m not privy to. How can I help them learn to honor themselves, what they know inside, and to help me so that we can connect together on that? 

It was so powerful because as they grew into their teen years and moving out, it was a realization that they had to be the ones. I can remember they would come back and I’d offer something. Oftentimes it would be out of a sense of worry. They’re like, “Mom.” I’d realize I’m trying to tell them what to do and it’s like, “Girl, let go of that. Instead, ask them what do they want to do?” I’d say, “What do you think is right? What is your gut sensing? What is it telling you?” They would tell me what their gut is telling them. I said, “What do you think you need to do then?” They would tell me. It was amazing because when they did that, they succeeded. 

I remember one time, one of my sons wanted to go for his Master’s and looking for a job while he had been working at a bank during his years while he was undergrad. He’d come home in the summer. He wanted to go into Accounting. We’re like, “That’s great. Accounting, bank, all of that with money. What a great opportunity. You can get a job at a bank. There were some job openings up there.” He’s like, “I don’t want to do a bank.“ I said, “You don’t want to do a bank but that will do so much for you.” “I don’t care. I don’t want to work at a bank. I don’t like working in a bank, mom.“ I said, “What do you do?” “I don’t know but I don’t want to do a bank.“ I’m like, “What did your gut tell you?“ I’m thinking to myself, “You need to get a job as you go in through your Master’s. “He’s like, “I don’t know mom, but I don’t want that. I’m going to look for something else.” I said, “Okay. Good for you.“

I was excited for him because there was that passion and there was also that concern or worry that, “Is he going to have enough food?” everything like that. I thought, “Let go.” The next thing I know, he calls, “Mom, I got a job at a winery.” I’m telling you, it was the best thing for him. He loved it. He learned about how to work in a winery, what to do, all the things that are part of it. The entire time that he was going for his Master’s, he worked. It was a physical outlet. It was perfect for him. It made me smile because in turning within the guidance I got was to let him walk his journey. It’s not mine. That‘s the same with my eldest son when he had a football concussion from college. He’s physically there but he was not there. He was gone. I remember saying, “Why don’t you come home?“ I want to take care of him. I looked at him and I said, “Come home and create freedom for you so that you can do what you need to do. “He came home. The next thing I know, he was in pre-med. He’s like, “I don’t want to do that anymore.“ I said, “You don’t want to do?” “No.” He’s in his senior year. “I don’t know what I want to do but I don’t want to do that anymore, mom. I don’t.” 

The next thing I know about a month and a half, I said, “Trust your gut, son,” he came home. He came downstairs. He had bought a book, C++. He said, “I love this.“ I said, “You do?“ He said, “I think like this, mom. This is awesome. “What he did is he went back, finished out some courses at the school he was at, took additional ones at a community school to finish up his degree, and ended up in a completely different field. I knew again that if I had not listened to that internal voice in me, I would have tried to push him to do what seemed to me to be the safest thing, both of them. Those were two instances. There are several times throughout their life that as a “mom“ I thought I knew. I was logical, everything made sense to me, but also at a gut level intuitively, I knew that the one thing that mattered was each child as they were going through their own life, it’s not my life to live but it is my responsibility to teach them the skills to live successfully. 

The Journey Inward

The journey inward, I would use a lot and that I would listen, I would pay attention. How does this feel as I engage with them? If I would fight them for it, I would feel like I’m not respecting who they are. Thinking somehow, because I’m their mother, I know more than them. That’s not my role. My role isn’t to know that. My role is to teach them the skill, to hear that within themselves so that they can trust their own process. They can trust their own journey and not have to look for me to make it viable for them. They’re doing well. They’re wonderful young men. They’ve learned wonderful skills. I have learned a lot. They have taught me a lot, and I’ve used it on all kinds of ways turning with it. 

Don’t get me wrong. Both of my sons were out doing stuff they shouldn’t have been doing as they grew into their teens. For most of the time, I didn’t know much about it, whether they were extremely good at hiding it, which they were. I’m going to tell you the way it is. My children weren’t little people that stayed at home. They went out and did their fair share of having fun with their friends. There were a couple of times when they got caught. As a result, they had to deal with the consequences. One of those consequences was me being angry, upset, not trusting, and feeling as if the relationship that we had was not important enough for them to want to be honest with me about what they were doing. What sixteen–year–old is going to be honest about going out, drinking with her friends? At least mine aren’t with me because that would have been clipped. However, clipped or not, they would have been good at finding other ways out. You’re going to do what you’re going to do. My husband’s like, “They have consequences, they’re aware of the consequences and they have to deal with them.“

At one particular occasion, I was very angry with my one son and he was very angry with me. I knew that we could not stay at this realm because I didn’t like it. I don’t feel it fits. I wanted to find out what was going on. That’s what I wanted. I remember walking down and we had not a dialogue since this situation happened. I couldn’t even speak. I was so angry. I remember looking at him and said, “You, me.” I’m pointing to him, I’m pointing to me, “Car, five minutes, park. ”That’s about all I could get out of my mouth. He’s like, “Okay.” I knew from him that he wanted it as much as I did. I remember going upstairs and thinking to myself, “I cannot approach our time together with this energy.” I didn’t even know what this energy was. I was angry. As I got quiet and I said, “What’s happening here that I’m really angry?” When I posed the question, I got quiet. I started folding some towels for a little bit to get this grip over the feeling I was having. What began to unfolding is I felt very sad because I felt lied to. 

Parenting Duties: By allowing your internal voice to guide you as a parent, you can provide the right guidance to your children in the safest way possible.

It was an experience that I had not anticipated having. It was also fear because this wasn’t the first time but it’s like, “What’s going on? How do I understand and hear, and then have a dialogue that has any value or meaning?” I remember also feeling embarrassed because people must think I’m a terrible mom. That came up and that’s a surprising thing to come up. I had to create that space. I didn’t have to. I chose to create that space of quiet observation over what I was feeling. 

When I turn inward and when people truly turn inward for guidance, listening and opening up to that internal voice, that internal guidance, it is not a guidance of judgment. There’s not a voice saying, “You’ll fucked up that time.” Pardon my language. It’s not that. “You could have done better.” It’s not that. That voice is usually a voice that’s associated with my relationship with my outer world. It’s a voice that tells me somehow in the outer world I failed. When I move inward, there is no judgment as much as there is compassion. It’s like a compassionate witness helping me to understand, not judge, but become aware. As I finished up the folding, I knew that’s what had happened and I knew that’s part of what was behind all that I was feeling. I also knew that the anger hadn’t gone away. It had lessened but it was still there, and now I wanted answers. To be very compassionate, not only with me, but with my son as well. 

We got in the car, we couldn’t speak to one another and got to the park, got out of the car. Again, we couldn’t speak to another, we started walking. I don’t know how many of you walk with your children. I’m telling you, that has been a godsend for my husband and I, and our two sons. We love to walk together now. We used to walk when they were itty-bitty. All the way up, we would take walks in the woods. It was such an adventure and we had such a good time. When things got difficult, we would go for walks and talk. It seemed as if somehow walking in the woods created a release that enabled communication to flow. We started walking and I’m like to myself, “I don’t know how the communication is going to break but it’s not coming from me.“ I knew that. I opened up to something and I said, “Let me be open to a different way of seeing so I don’t miss something.”

The next thing I know, we went about 50 feet and my son starts to say, “Mom, look at this. “It was as if I was listening to my husband or his dad because his father would always point to the most intricate things on the trail like, “Check this spider web out. “Of course me, I’m like, “Look at everything else.” I didn’t see the spider web but he saw the spider web. That was that opportunity for us to communicate. We started walking and the conversation grew where space was created for both of us to talk about how we were feeling, how we felt about the experience, what happened and more. As we were turning back to the car in awareness, “This is what’s going on,” everything, the lack of trust, how are we going to do that, the sadness and confusion that he was feeling. All the stuff that was available at the time arose and the realization that there are consequences, “Let’s look at the consequences.” It was helpful. 

What was most profound was that for me, I had a choice, “Am I going to see a future for my child that he thrives in, or am I going to hold onto an image of fear of what if he does this again?” Not stupid, but also not claiming something that doesn’t yet exist, not claiming something I don’t want. The thoughts that we hold are powerful. They are creative components. They create our lives. “Am I going to hold for my son the fear of him doing it again, or am I going to full hold for my son that I don’t know how it’s going to unfold but I know he is successful?” I know that this time of journeying and growth, this time of stretching, you’re going to make wise decisions even as you do stupid stuff. We‘ve all been there but I see you making wise decisions. 

It was interesting witnessing that within myself, what vision do I want to hold for my child, because when he looks in my eyes, I want him to see that vision that I have for him, even if he doesn’t believe it. It’s a vision that I hold because I know it. That’s part of my inward journey of seeing possibilities, allowing for possibilities that don’t yet exist to come into fruition. The power that there is in the inward journey is incredible, not only for ourselves but also for what we bring into our relationships with others. It continues to this day because I don’t stop being their mother and they don’t stop being my sons, even though they’re fully grown, functioning men out in their lives, having their homes, married and off doing their thing. Trusting that they are wise young men who will be wonderful fathers, wonderful mates. That’s what I can hold and that’s that inward vision. Encouraging them always to trust their internal guidance over my fears. 

I hope that if any of you are parenting, that as you move inward, allow that love and compassion to nurture you as a parent, to guide you in the way that’s most in integrity with who you are. I’ve got siblings and we’re very different. There are seven children in our family. We have a lot of commonality. We have a lot of differences in how we raise or rear our children, depending upon your preference. For me to raise or rear my children the way one of my siblings did would not fit. Our children are different. We are different. When each of us creates our families and honor who it is that we are, and our children, and we work in that way, it’s great. It’s fun to watch. For me, to stand in integrity with that internal guidance within myself, knowing that as wonderful as people’s ideas are, they don’t make as much sense to me as what’s happening with in. 

Parenting Duties: When teaching kids about the ways of life, parents must impart with them the skill of hearing the voice within themselves and trusting their own process.

It’s a listening. It’s a compassionate. It is a loving. In that, there’s a tremendous wisdom that reveals itself, and we all have it. As you love your children, love your spouse, as you do that, I celebrate your inward journey so that you get to grow as much as your children are growing and learning, being delighted, as well as going through all the other stuff. Thank you for reading. Take good care of yourself. Until we connect again. Here’s to your life.